Are You pleased to See Me?
by Reefgirl
Summary: Ianto believes Jack's wandering hands are getting him into trouble with the rest of the team but the truth is a lot funnier. My take on a very old Joke, explainations inside. Slashy overtones so be warned


Rating: T for situation

Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Toshiko, Jack/Gwen, Jack/Owen

Summary: Something about Jack is un-nerving the Torchwood Crew

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood; if I did I wouldn't be watching the rain fall

Authors Notes: This fic came about after a line from Jeremy Hardy in the Chat Up Lines round in the I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue tour I saw in Brighton. The line was "That _is_ a gun in my pocket" and I immediately thought of Jack, through the laughter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ianto's head jerked up at the sound of a coffee cup breaking on the floor, he picked up a cloth and walked into the hub and saw Gwen and Jack crouched on the floor picking up the remains of the cup, each apologising profusely to the other. Ianto appeared at their elbows and began to clean up the spilt coffee, he noticed Tosh hovering near by,

"What happened?" Ianto asked.

"I don't know, Gwen and Jack were talking about something, Gwen turned around to point something out to Jack on the computer, he stood behind her and then, well...it was strange, she kind of...stiffened, her eyes went wide and the cup slipped out of her hand" Tosh explained. Ianto grinned

"There's your answer, if Jack was standing behind Gwen he probably groped her" he replied, Tosh shook her head

"She's used to it by now, we all are, no he had one hand in his pocket and he had a cup in the other one, they were nowhere near Gwen" she said, Ianto grinned again

"Where is he now, just in case his hands wander again I might need to clean up more spilt coffee" he said.

"He kept his hands to himself, honest" protested Tosh

"This is Jack we're talking about" replied Ianto as he made his way back to the kitchen. Five minutes later Owen came storming through the hub and snatched the mug of coffee Ianto had made for Gwen off the tray

"I'm gonna start recommending you put Bromide in the Captain's coffee from now on" he said,

"What's he done now, groped you as well?" asked Ianto

"None of your business Tea Boy" replied Owen as his cheeks went pink

"It's just Gwen..." started Ianto but Owen had stormed off to his computer to fire off an email to the medical department of UNIT. Ianto was puzzled now, everyone was used to Jack's hands wandering and it never bothered them before, it was Jack being Jack but this was odd, first Gwen and now Owen being un-nerved by Jack's wandering hands, still it wasn't his problem.

* * *

Ianto was making his way back from the Archive where he'd been making the monthly catalogue of the alien technology they'd stored when he noticed Jack and Tosh in the corridor, it looked like Tosh was accusing him of something and Jack was vainly trying to defend himself. Tosh threw the file she was carrying at him and left in disgust 

"What happened sir?" Ianto asked as he bent down to help Jack pick up the papers that had fallen on the floor

"God knows, Tosh was putting this file in the cabinet, I squeezed past her, she slaps me and calls me a dirty old man, do I really look like the type of man that wears a grubby 'Flasher's Mac'?" replied Jack. Ianto sighed

"You should try keeping your hands to yourself sir" he said

"I never touched her" Jack protested, Ianto rolled his eyes

"Of course you didn't sir" he said as he headed back to the Archive

"I didn't" Jack yelled after him.

* * *

Ianto was in the kitchen making yet more coffee, he was again wondering about what had been going on all day, the atmosphere had deteriorated rapidly and the team were now openly avoiding Jack, who still had no idea what he was supposed to have done. 

"Here, I know we're running short of milk" said Jack as he put the bottle down in front of Ianto, Ianto stiffened, he was used to Jack pressing up against him but there was something else this time, something hard, that was digging into his hip, something _very_ hard. Ianto gulped, he now knew why the others were so annoyed with Jack

"Um...sir...um...what is...um...um..." he stammered,

"Spit it out Ianto, what have I done, you've all been acting weird today" retorted Jack. Ianto heaved a huge sigh and closed his eyes, he really wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer,

"What is that digging into me?" he asked, he felt Jack fumbling around and swallowed again as his cheeks turned crimson. Jack pulled something out of his pocket and laid it on the counter

"It's only my gun, my holster broke last week so it's being fixed by this guy I know", Ianto let out the breath he'd been holding and began to laugh "what's so funny?" Jack said

"You really did have a gun in your pocket" replied Ianto "that explains everything". It finally dawned on Jack as to why everyone was reacting oddly to him

"You mean that's why...they thought that I...you're kidding", Ianto nodded "I don't believe it" he said as he began to laugh as well. Ianto opened the milk and began to add it to the coffee cups as Jack sidled up behind him

"And you Ianto, were you pleased to see me?" he murmured. A smile touched Ianto's mouth, he wasn't about to let on, Jack's ego was big enough without him adding to it. He picked up the tray and Jack moved away, letting him carry on with his work "well?"

"In your dreams sir" Ianto replied with a smile

"Every night Ianto, every night" said Jack with a sigh


End file.
